9 Ways You Can Help Support a Grieving Friend During the Holidays

Dr. Robin Goodman is a New York-based licensed clinical psychologist working with children and families. She is a certified Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapist, trained in therapy for Complicated Grief, and board-certified registered art therapist. Here, she shares expertise on how to support someone grieving during the holidays. Check out her grief help tips below.

Mention the word “holidays” and everyone has her own immediate reaction. They are full of happy, stressful, meaningful, and challenging feelings as well as obligations, festivities, and endless tasks. For a friend who is dealing with the recent or even past death of a special person, or perhaps a significant loss in her personal or professional life, the holidays can be more complicated. In your mind, you may think “I want to give her something but wish I knew what.” Besides a thoughtful actual gift you may exchange, here are some other gifts to consider.

1. The gift of remembering: Just reaching out, remembering it may be a tough time for your friend means a lot. No matter whether it is a fresh loss or a long-ago one, your friend may wish to take a walk down memory lane about some favorite, silly, or worst memories. But be prepared that some may bring tears or some be too painful to tackle.

2. The gift of not knowing: If you don’t know what to do or how to support someone grieving, ask. And be concrete: Is it nurturing (“I can come over and we can hang out and binge watch old movies”), something on the to-do list (“I can pick up your office Secret Santa gift”), or companionship (“I can come with you to get a cup of coffee”). Some friends need a listener, some need a distractor, and some need a doer.

3. The gift of being open: Don’t assume you know what your friend wants to do, how your friend feels or compare your friend’s grief to yours or anyone else’s. Grief is personal and individual. Be open and curious about what it is like for your friend. Sometimes it is trial and error to know what activities work to repeat from the past and what to change up. You may start a new tradition together. Don’t worry about making it perfect, sometimes it’s about making it through.

4. The gift of choice: Let your friend decide what feels right, rather than push your own ideas or agenda. Respect the choice. Sure there are times when you might suggest and give a gentle nudge to join you in some activity, but be ready for a change of plans, energy, or mood by your friend. She may not always know what grief help she needs. She may need to try something out or as it approaches, realize it doesn’t feel right. Or even decide at the last minute she does want to tag along to a cookie exchange or brunch for a brief time.

5. The gift of following through: If you make plans or offer to pick up an extra copy of the hard-to-find kids’ gifts, don’t disappoint or make excuses. Sometimes the simplest gifts (someone to count on) are the best–just do it.

6. The gift of listening: Be careful of reading someone who is “keeping busy” as “being fine.” Listen between the lines. When you ask how your friend is doing, mean it, take time and be ready to listen when she is ready to talk.

7. The gift of sharing: You may not fully understand what it is like for your friend but be available to share whatever the feelings are; pain, relief, confusion, anger, sadness, frustration, worry, gratitude. The list is long–and being willing to sit and hear your friend rather than running away from the tough stuff can help.

8. The gift of timing: It is hard to know how or when to help. Especially if it is a recent loss, your friend might retreat or be less social. It likely has nothing to do with you. So keep at it, give it some time and check in again down the road not just at the holidays, so your friend does not feel forgotten and knows you are there when the time is right. And plan ahead–schedule something for after the holidays so there is something else for your friend to look forward to.

9. The gift of caring: It is always the perfect gift. Being present (is the best present), sitting with, talking with, listening to a friend without judgment and with compassion will be a treasured gift. It is also the one that makes the giver’s heart feel full.

Have a question about grief help or how to support someone grieving? Ask in the comments!