Hard Convos: How to Talk Race and Politics With Family at the Holidays

We get so many questions from our listeners and students about how to have conversations on race with family members. The hardest conversations, but the most necessary, can be with those that are the closest to us. Add in family dramas and dynamics, plus the tension of our divisive election results, and we can pretty much guarantee that there will be some angry tears and slammed doors when we’re home for the holidays.

You are not alone in this. We can relate–and we have some guidelines to help when talking politics and racial justice with family.

1. First, accept that everyone is where they are

We have to remember that everyone is on their own journey and that even we weren’t always as woke as we are now. Focus on taking accountability for the anti-racism work that you can do on your own, and if you find yourself getting pissed off at your brother-in-law, try to reflect on what your former blind spots were.

Instead of comparing ourselves to our angry racist uncle and making him the enemy, can we focus on rooting out the angry racist uncle archetype we might still have within us? We can’t change everyone’s mind, no matter how much conviction we bring to arguments, nor can we create hierarchies based on who’s a better white person. We can only take responsibility for ourselves.

2. Take baby steps and start small

Patience, friends! If you’re struggling to find common ground with your dad, for example, and you know that he loves to read, recommend a book on race or politics that was enlightening for you, and tell him that you’d love to hear his perspective on it. Then, give it time. We can’t plant an acorn and expect an oak tree the next day. We have to respect and have realistic expectations for the time that someone’s evolution takes–our own included. Have hope and trust in the ripple effect of small actions.

3. Prevent the ‘freeze’ with facts

Have you ever had a conversation with a know-it-all cousin who says something so offensive, but you can’t come up with a rebuttal quickly enough? You know he’s wrong, but you can’t locate the words to articulate why, so you just end up screaming “You’re everything that’s wrong with our country, Nathan!” and taking a walk around the neighborhood to cool off? Facts are your friend in moments like these.

Did Nathan make a comment about how everyone just needs to “pull themselves up by their own bootstraps?” That one gets trotted out a lot when talking politics and race. Working with that metaphor, you can let him know that not everyone in this country even starts with boots.

Does he know, for example, that the government-backed mortgages and college tuition that the G.I. Bill promised were denied to one million Black veterans returning from World War II because of racist government policies? Can he imagine how the devastating consequences of not attending college and subsequently getting a well-paying job, as well as not being able to accumulate wealth and equity in real estate, could impact generations of Black Americans? There were no boots for the bootstraps, Nathan. There are millions of examples like this, and knowing our history helps win arguments and prevent the freeze.

4. Set healthy boundaries

Yes, it is frustrating knowing that we can’t always eradicate racism closest to home, but also know that your energy is precious. Remember: You can’t be a good ally when you’re running on empty. You don’t have to take the bait and participate in every intense conversation, and you can always excuse yourself and then go vent to a friend if things get heated around the dining room table. You can stand firm in your convictions while being gentle with yourself and with your family members—they’ll be more open to bridging the gaps before you’re at your boiling point.

Did these tips help you in talking politics and race with family? Tell us in the comments–and sign up for our January event, Rooting Out Racism, where we get deep into subconscious racist beliefs, at https://www.kinswomenpodcast.com/events/p/rootingoutracism.

Together, through their podcast, The Kinswomen, Yseult Polfliet and Hannah Pechter aim to bridge the gap between women of color and white women by having open, honest discussions about race, and offering guidance on how to be an ally.