parenting a transgender child
Image via Mallory Newman

The first time my son, Brad, showed signs that he may identify as male was pretty early on in his life. For the first five years of his life, Brad loved toys and clothing marketed toward both boys and girls, so I didn’t think much of it. 

But as Brad got older and began elementary school, he would choose the ‘boys’ dinosaur pajamas on PJ Day every year, and every year for Halloween, he would always choose ‘boy costumes.’ In these moments as a mother, I knew I had to embrace who he was and allow him to express himself naturally. I never wanted him to feel like I was pressuring him to adhere to gender expectations society has pushed upon all of us since birth. 

When he was eight, Brad asked me to make him a costume so he could be Peter Pan. I asked him why he wanted to be Peter Pan and not Tinker Bell or Wendy, and he told me, “Mom, you are a Tinker Bell kind of lady, but I’m more of a Peter Pan kind of guy.” I laughed and hand-stitched him a Peter Pan shirt because that’s just what a mom does.

pirate costume
Image via Mallory Newman

I’ll admit I had so many questions and emotions but, as his mama, I could tell he wasn’t ready for the ‘big talks’ yet. He was just telling me in his own little way, “Hey, this is who I am–still love me, please.” 

That same year, we were walking through a park and I noted how pretty it was. He said, “Oh yeah, maybe I will get married here one day!” So I replied, “Wow that would be so pretty–you would look like a dream in a white wedding dress surrounded by all of these trees and greenery!” 

Brad looked at me with a gentle smile on his face, put his hand on my hand and said “Mom, my wife will look like the dream, I will be the lucky guy in a tux!” He has always been so brave, even at such a young age. He never hesitated to share his hopes and dreams for the future, despite the risk of outing himself before he was ready.

We had so many cute moments and clues that he gave us along the way, but we never pushed the issue. When Brad was ready, he would tell us. 

trans teen and rainbow wall
Image via Mallory Newman

Coming Out

Two weeks before the first day of 7th grade, when Brad was 12, he asked if he could change his name at school to Bradley and start going by he/him pronouns. That’s really how he came out to us. 

We spent the first few weeks discussing why he wanted to change his name, so we could all understand Brad and support him. Then, we made choosing his boy name a fun thing: We offered suggestions that were fun, risky, boring, and silly, and did whatever we could to make it feel like a celebration!  

It’s been 10 months since Brad began to identify as male. It was a sweet, gradual process that I look back on fondly because his little heart was so careful with mine, waiting for me to be ready for him to come out.

Parenting a Transgender Child

You could say I had great foundational work for this experience: I grew up in San Francisco, one of the largest and most prominent LGBTQ communities in our country. I spent my first years as a teenager living in the Haight-Ashbury district, where people from all walks of life are truly celebrated and respected, and where our school system educated us how to be supportive and celebrate the LGBTQ community.

But when It came to being a mom of a trans teen in 2021, I had a lot to learn–and I am not ashamed to say I am still learning. My first step along this journey was to really understand the terminology of the trans culture better. 

I wanted to make sure I knew exactly what Brad was talking about. It’s a delicate balance with teens in general, right? If I begin asking too many questions, he typically gets annoyed and shuts down. So I began to research and read.

I learned important terminology and researched and read a lot. The first thing I searched for was local support for transgender teens. I found the Stonewall Alliance Center of Chico, and they were a huge resource for me in the beginning of our journey. I also read several books that I reference to this day (I’ll list those below).

mom and transgender teen
Image via Mallory Newman

Supporting a Transgender Child

I think the best way to support a trans child is to make them feel safe and allow them to open up to you when they are ready. I knew early on that Brad was having a hard time with his gender and sexuality, but I never pressed him on the issue. I’d simply say and do things to show him that not only do I support the LGBTQ+ community, but I would be happy to have a child be a part of it, as well. 

Every June, I would buy myself Pride goodies at Target and always casually ask Brad if he wanted something, too–with no pressure. I made sure to expose Brad to books and shows that let him see he was not alone, that he belonged to a community of kids just like him. 

We have always been suckers for reality TV–and watching the Jennings family on I Am Jazz together really helped start conversations between the two of us. I was able to tell my son I accept and love him no matter what by answering questions like “How would you feel if you had a kid like Jazz?” I could not be more grateful for those opportunities. 

trans teen boy having coffee
Image via Mallory Newman

Living His Truth

Life has improved 100 times over since Brad has become his true self. He went from being quiet, introverted, and always wanting to be alone in his room, to outgoing, funny, and the showman of every event! Brad’s grades also drastically changed at school: He went from a C average to almost all A’s in a matter of months. 

Brad now belongs to a friend group for the first time ever, and he even participates in school activities and after-school clubs. I have never seen my son as light and happy as he is now.

Home life has improved tremendously, as well. Brad is back to himself: He comes in the kitchen to help with dinner prep or just to chat. He’s able to express his needs and frustrations to me in a way that he never did before coming out. He’s affectionate again, accepting hugs (we still ask, though) and giving his old mom the occasional kiss on the cheek (the best part of my day)!

mom and trans child with pride rainbow
Image via Mallory Newman

How to Be a Trans Ally

For all the research and education I’ve done, and the progress we’ve made, I still have plenty of concerns. My biggest worry is suicide.

The amount of emotional strain being experienced by our country’s trans youth in 2022 is unprecedented. According to this article, “45% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year. Additionally, nearly 1 in 5 transgender and nonbinary youth attempted suicide.” 

So yeah, it’s scary, to say the least. No matter how much we love our kids, accept them, and try to keep them safe, they are faced with the outside world every day–and it is not always as kind and welcoming to them. 

How can we all help? Stand up for anyone you see being bullied or excluded, whether you know the person or not. We just all want to feel loved and protected and accepted: You could be the reason why someone decides today is a good day to keep going.

trans teen boy
Image via Mallory Newman

In my opinion, allyship starts with educating yourself. It is your responsibility to learn and understand the trans community. Adults shouldn’t be putting the pressure and burden on trans kids to educate them or answer questions. Our children do not owe anyone an explanation about anything. They deserve to be respected the same way a cisgender child is respected. 

Another great way to be an ally? Simply ask pronouns without assuming them, and respectfully use the correct name and pronouns every time you address that person. Call out transphobia when you see it. Don’t be a bystander: If you see something happening, whether it is to someone else’s child or an adult, stand up for them and protect them. It takes a village–and why not be the one to hold the torch?

Mallory’s Resource Recommendations for Parents of Transgender Children:

More helpful reading: 

Hotlines:

Are you parenting a transgender child? Share with us in the comments.

This post is meant for informational purposes only, you should always reach out to a medical professional with specific issues. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area at any time (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). If you are located outside the United States, call your local emergency line immediately.