The second Sunday of every May is Mother’s Day, and while commercials and social media are flooded with picture-perfect celebrations and gushing posts, the day can be a difficult one for some. Dealing with the loss of or estrangement from a mom or child, or struggling with infertility can all make what is perceived as a happy holiday into something triggering or painful. If you’re navigating Mother’s Day grief, or find the holiday challenging for any reason, know that you’re not alone. Remember that any feelings you have that day (good, neutral, or bad) are valid: And if you’re looking for some help in coping or getting through the day, we asked a few mental health experts for their tips.
If you’ve lost your mother or child:
Know that all your feelings are okay, whether that’s sadness, longing, jealousy, or anger, says Dr. Robin Goodman, a licensed clinical psychologist and Assistant Director of Public Education and Bereavement at Child HELP Partnership at St. John’s University. Those harder emotions may coexist with gratitude and love for the time you did get to spend with your mother or lost child–and that’s also okay. She also reminds you that there is no timeline for grief. “It evolves over time as your life changes. Your mother or child may have died many years ago and certain years may be harder than others.”
If you’re navigating the pain of Mother’s Day without mom, you can still continue to use the day to celebrate her. “Spend the day doing things that remind you of her, or that she might have loved to do. Make and enjoy her favorite meal or go to her favorite restaurant. Tell stories that make her feel close,” says Marina Krugolets, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Eclectic Psychotherapy Group. “Simply because she is not in your presence does not mean you cannot continue to honor the gift of her love.”
Other ways to celebrate her life could include recounting memories, looking through old photographs, or even writing a letter to her, suggests Dr. Leela R. Magavi, an adult, adolescent, and child psychiatrist and Regional Medical Director for Community Psychiatry. And if you have children yourself, you can create new, positive memories with your nuclear family.
If you have an estranged or complicated relationship with your mother:
Mother-child relationships can be complicated. There are many kinds and none are perfect, says Dr. Goodman. “Let go of any guilt about the relationship from the past. This is not easy because relationships are messy and it can take work to come to terms with the past–find meaning in it rather than being defined by it,” she says.
If you’re never known or are estranged from your mother, you can celebrate other people in your lives who have stepped into that role. “Composing a gratitude list inclusive of all the individuals who have served as mother figures throughout your life could prove beneficial,” suggests Dr. Magavi.
Another option is to tweak the holiday for other important people in your life. “Go ahead and drop that M and celebrate ‘Other’s Day!,” says Krugolets. “Why not take this opportunity to celebrate the love and nurturing you’ve received from an aunt, your friends, your in-laws, or anyone else who has had a positive impact on your life?”
If you’re dealing with infertility issues:
If you’re dealing with infertility issues or a miscarriage, Mother’s Day can be a constant reminder of the motherhood you long to experience. But since these types of losses tend to be more private and unknown to others outside your most inner circle, they can also go unacknowledged by others, says Dr. Goodman. “This can lead to additional feelings of isolation and loneliness. Find others in your support network who know about and acknowledge the loss for you. Or find support from others who have experienced a similar loss to help you feel less alone.”
General coping tips to remember:
1. Recognize your feelings–and go easy on yourself.
Recognize that the days leading up to Mother’s Day can be hard and cause uneasiness, sadness, anger, or irritability without you necessarily realizing why, says Dr. Goodman. She advises to have some self-compassion, and “be patient and gentle with yourself. Accept that it is a hard day of mixed, wildly complicated emotions.”
2. Take a social media break.
Whatever you’re feeling shouldn’t be dismissed as trivial, adds Teri Schroeder, LCSW and Co-Founder of Just Mind Counseling. “In fact, it’s a lot more common to have these conflicting or challenging emotions within your unique situation of circumstance than pop culture and social media would have you believe,” she says. Seeing posts on social media may exacerbate any negative feelings, so she also suggests taking a pause on social media. “Try not to compare yourself to others and let go of expectations that this day should look a certain way,” she says.
3. Plan ahead if you can.
Since Mother’s Day is an annual holiday, Dr. Emily Stone, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the Owner and Senior Clinician at Unstuck Group, recommends being proactive in taking care of yourself. “Set a reminder on your calendar for the beginning of May to remind yourself that Mother’s Day is coming and to take some time to imagine what you want that day to look like. So many times we wait for it to come and then just take the ‘emotional beating,’” she says. And each year can look different; some years may require grieving, while others call for something else. Do whatever feels right for you.
And then make post-Mother’s Day plans as well! “Having something on the calendar afterward is a reminder that life continues and gives you a different focus for once you ‘get through’ Mother’s Day,” says Dr. Goodman. Remember, it’s just another day on the calendar.
If you’re supporting a loved one:
Sometimes it may not be you who’s struggling with Mother’s Day grief, but a friend or a relative. To support, Dr. Goodman says to do the simple and caring thing rather than worry about saying or doing the perfect thing. Let them know you’re thinking about them, or share a memory of their mother or child.
“Sometimes it is more about the ‘dont’s,’’ says Dr. Goodman. “Don’t try to fix your friend, or give advice, or compare her grief to your own grief or loss.” Instead, ask them what they want to do—whether it’s to have company, a sympathetic ear, or a distraction.
“Everyone’s situation is different and you may be able to be specific,” says. Dr. Goodman. “For example, invite her over to your place rather than go out to a restaurant where she may be surrounded by ‘motherfull’ families (the opposite of motherless families), or take her kids out to the park for part of the day if she wants some alone time.” Just like she will have her own emotions about the day, let her cope however she feels most comfortable.
Did these tips help you? Tell us in the comments and share how you navigate Mother’s Day.
If you’re having suicidal thoughts, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area at any time (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). If you are located outside the United States, call your local emergency line immediately.
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