The 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before Moving to a Big City

I grew up in a town with a population of approximately 5,000 people. Everyone knew everyone (and their business) and there really wasn’t much to do outside of school-sanctioned events that didn’t require a trip to the slightly larger neighboring town. As a kid, I’d always dreamed of moving to a new city–New York City. I thought my life would change and become glamorous the moment I turned 18 and could leave this boring place behind.

But as I got older, the realities of what it takes to move somewhere big and new and exciting rooted themselves into a part of my brain that saw them as something to avoid, rather than strive for. Those aspirations became anxieties about how I wouldn’t “make it” in a competitive, expensive, faraway place. I went out of state to college, in a small city, driving distance from home. Looking back, I know it was because I was scared of failing at the other options. It felt safe and affordable. It was wonderful and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it did make me doubt if I even could go to the bigger, faraway places.

After college, work moved me to Las Vegas– finally a metropolitan area! I’d made it. Unfortunately, I did not thrive in this environment and everything I was afraid of happening, happened. I wasn’t able to “make it” and had to move back home with my tail between my legs.

Fast forward a few years, after staying with my parents (a valid option I was very lucky to have) and then living in the small town I’d never wanted to stay in,  I ultimately decided it was time to do what I’d always wanted. Completing hours of therapy, coming to terms with myself and my ambitions, earning a little more money, and being bored with my routine lifestyle pushed me into moving to a new city. I found a job and an apartment in San Francisco early last year. This time, I was actually doing it. While it was terrifying to contemplate, from the moment I made the move, I’ve never felt happier and more at peace with myself (see also: hours of therapy). Here are five things I wish I’d known before I waited so long to make the move from a small town to big city:

1. Everyone will have opinions, but that shouldn’t stop you.

When I decided to move to San Francisco, I faced endless questions and unwanted opinions from people who felt like living in a city would be “too” something: Too crowded, too dirty, too expensive, too unsafe. People had visited the tourist areas, seen sensational news stories, and had a lot of ideas about what it was like to live there. Others had lived there themselves and found the lifestyle wasn’t for them, and gave me their thoughts about how different or hard it would be. Many of these were the opinions that had rooted themselves in my brain and deterred me from moving to a new (big) city earlier.

I still can’t go home for the holidays or talk to friends who don’t live in bigger cities without fielding their input. I hear how much they dislike it, the latest news story they’d seen about a horrible crime (“Did you hear about…?”), or the myriad reasons it just “isn’t for them.” And I completely respect that it isn’t for everyone! But for too long I listened to the worries my parents and friends had about how I wouldn’t have the means to make it work out and still live the life I was accustomed to. However, the life I was accustomed to was starting to get dull and made me pretty unhappy.

No one’s opinion but your own matters here. If someone doesn’t like the place you’re moving to, they don’t have to visit you there. It’s not your job to convince anyone else that your choice is valid.  As long as you’ve weighed your options and they measure up to your own values, that’s what matters.

2. It’s good to establish a routine, but take your time making one.

My neighborhood is decidedly more low-key and “suburban” than many other parts of San Francisco, but it still has all the amenities you could ask for within walking distance. What used to be a question of “is there even one gym or coffee shop by my house?” became “which gym or coffee shop by my house will I go to?” In my first weeks, I picked a gym, a coffee spot, which bus stop was the one for me, and planned out where I’d have dinners and happy hours on a weekly basis. I was so excited to have so much, so close.

But skip ahead a few more weeks, and those places that were most convenient weren’t even in my rotation. The closest gym was nice, but way too crowded; I wasn’t going even though it was two blocks away. I drink coffee at home in the morning or grab one after I get off the bus on my way to work, so I rarely set foot in the one just down the road. The “easy” bus stop? It has the most crowded bus. And I rarely make it to a neighborhood spot instead of trying a new bar or restaurant on the weekends. What’s easy or convenient may work out for you, but take some time to work your way into a routine and you’ll be surprised how it shapes itself, rather than trying to force one that doesn’t fit into your lifestyle.

3. You’ll learn a lot of life lessons, but they will come at a cost.

Sometimes that is a literal cost: Cities are expensive. That is one thing that I was afraid of that is actually true. You see the reports, and you know it’s going to be a little bit of a sticker shock, but it really hits you when you stop in at the corner market and pay almost five dollars for a small container of yogurt you forgot on your regular grocery run. But those little shocks make you smarter and more prepared (double check your list and your cart!), and you do feel grateful you even have the chance to pop into a corner store for something quick in a pinch.

Other times, the cost is your time and your dignity. It isn’t cute or fun to be running late to your dinner plans, not being able to get a 10-minute Lyft for less than $30 during surge pricing time, and walk-running in your work clothes through unfamiliar neighborhoods. It’s even less cute to not look at a map and try to take a JUMP bike up one of the steepest hills in the city, only to have to hop off halfway and push it the rest of the way up in shame. In this particular instance, I was too afraid (there’s that word again) to ask someone the fastest, easiest way to get where I was going, and it cost me a sweat-soaked dress, a blister on my foot, and giggling looks of pity from people walking the opposite direction. Ask for help, be vulnerable, do a little research, and you’ll be much happier for it. Which brings me to my next point…

4. Public transportation is a godsend.

Back in my hometown, I was without a car for a few weeks, so I looked up the bus schedule and determined it would take me at least an hour to get to work using public transportation. I only lived about three miles from my office, and basically lived and worked on the same thoroughfare. An hour on a bus was an absurd waste of time since walking or riding a bike would be much faster and more convenient, even in 90-plus degree weather. The horrors of the bus in other places I’d lived were still in my head, but when I saw how expensive it would be to park my car in a garage or take a rideshare to work each morning in San Francisco, I got in good with public transportation.

I get made fun of consistently for my devotion to the busses (I talk about it a lot). However, since adopting a low-car lifestyle, I now have more time to chill out or do some work while in transit, see different parts of the city, and save a good bit of money at the same time. It’s cheaper than rideshare, easier than driving yourself and finding parking, and more productive than either of those options. Taking the time to figure out the public transportation system is the key to unlocking everything your new home has to offer. Whether it’s a subway, bus route, train, or another form of shared transportation, it may be foreign in the beginning, but it’s worth embracing.

5. Dating is both better and worse.

Actually, a lot of things are both better and worse (life, am I right?), but this one stands out to me in particular. Dating in a small town felt like I’d never meet someone who was right for me. In my hometown, I didn’t feel like I had the same ambitions or was evenly matched with anyone I was seeing around town or swiping right on in the apps. That might be unfair, but it was how it felt, and after a few years of trying, my feelings were starting to seem justified and I thought I’d have to settle if I ever wanted to be in a long term relationship.

When I started dating in San Francisco, my eyes were opened to the fact that there are so many people out there (duh, but it’s easy to forget). I could filter and sort my matches to exact superficial specifications, and the options seemed endless. But if you have endless options, so does the person you are seeing, and it can become a bit of a struggle to find people who fit into your life and want to stay there. Speaking as a heterosexual, cis woman, my experiences aren’t universal, but the paradox of choice in my situation is real to me, and seems to be the case for my friends, as well.

It’s also very time-consuming if you try to take advantage of all the options at once (timing is everything!). Neighborhood convenience seems silly but can make or break how often you get to see someone you’re interested in dating. Still, after moving to a new city, it is nice to feel more in control of my dating life–and optimistic that someone great is right around the corner, instead of ducking my head while walking by an old flame or seeing multiple people I’ve dated all in the same bar every other weekend.

If you are toying with the idea of moving from a small town to a big city but are holding back, I hope what I’ve said helps you make the decision. While I can’t claim to be an expert on navigating all major metropolitan areas, I’m no longer daydreaming about “what it will be like when…” only to never make it happen. Instead, there’s only planning for a future reality I know I can achieve. Beyond changing my surroundings, moving to a big city (and accomplishing something I wanted to do since I was a little girl) changed my mindset for the better.

Tell us your thoughts or ask questions about moving to a new city in the comments!