12 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting a Divorce

At 35, I met the man of my dreams and in 2009 we were married. I was in it forever–and in 2013 we had a little boy. Shortly after the birth of our son, my marriage began to crumble for reasons I, admittedly, still don’t understand. In 2016, after seven years, my ex-husband expressed his desire to end our marriage and by December of 2017, our divorce papers were signed. I am a Type A personality, a planner–and super organized. I prepare for everything. But there was one thing I was not prepared for, and it was my divorce.

There are so many things I wish I had known, and so many things I could never have known. Every relationship is different, and no two divorces are the same–so not all divorce tips and strategies will apply to you, specifically. Some splits are amicable while some are more acrimonious. Regardless of your situation, you should be prepared to take care of yourself and your child(ren). Below are some of the most important things I learned from my situation.

1. Understand that the only way out is through.

There are no shortcuts and divorce is a form of grief–specifically, ambiguous grief, which is a loss that occurs without closure or a clear understanding. Don’t expect to heal quickly, or to find all of the answers. (This is where a good therapist comes in.)

2. Sometimes you’ll take one step forward and two steps back.

Getting divorced is a process that is often slow and painful. For every day that you make progress, there are several when nothing happens at all. For every positive step you take to move towards your goal, there are definitely days that feel like setbacks. Go easy on yourself and realize this is not a race. Take solace in knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get through this. Continue to be strategic and don’t let the bumps in the road steer you off your path.

3. Never fight in front of your child or disparage the other parent.

This was very hard for me, especially since my soon-to-be ex and I were living under the same roof for 11 months through the darkest days of my life. Continue to repeat the mantra, “love your children more than you hate your ex” until you eat, sleep, and breathe it. Please know that this will only make things easier for your mental stability and the mental stability of your child(ren).

4. Surround yourself with others in your situation who have walked in your shoes.

There are so many who are experiencing the same issues or who have been exactly where you are. Use them as a resource to guide you through uncertain times. Talk to other divorced friends to get their divorce tips and strategies–and ask to see their agreements. For example, it was a friend who suggested I include several items my attorney wouldn’t have added regarding parenting time and expenses outside of child support.

5. Be careful of losing focus at work.

It’s almost impossible but try to stay private at your place of employment. I was an emotional wreck and had a very hard time keeping it together, understandably. After 11 months of what felt like hell, the day we signed our divorce papers, my boss told me to get myself together or I would be out of a job.

The hard part is that a lot of “the work” you need to do for your divorce takes place during business hours. Try to find a private space to make calls or make them from your cell phone outside of the office on a lunch break. Allocate a certain amount of time to deal with your divorce, then get back to focusing on your job.

Feeling really anxious? There are a lot of meditations you can do at your desk that simply involve breathing, which helps more than you can ever imagine. If you have FMLA benefits, a divorce qualifies for a leave of absence. Check with HR and take the time to deal with this away from the office so that it does not impact your career.

6. Always stay in touch with business contacts, even if you are a stay-at-home mom.

You never know when you might need to re-enter the workforce to support yourself or help support your family.

7. Hire an attorney who will give you their cell phone number.

They should not only be your lawyer but also a trusted resource and advocate for you and your child(ren). Have the conversation about billing ahead of time, so you aren’t surprised when your retainer runs out. Understand exactly what they bill for and make sure you’re not being charged for every text question or phone call you make.

8. Make sure you have a financial advisor.

Understand your financial situation and what you have in the bank. Your advisor can also help you complete your statement of net worth. Knowing your expenses and income will help you better plan for your future.

9. Be a trusted confidant to your child(ren).

Make sure they know they can always come to you with questions and it’s perfectly normal to feel confused or sad. Always validate their feelings.

10. Routine is important.

Establish a routine, do your best not to deviate from it, and communicate it to your child(ren). Get specific–down to things like, “On Monday and Wednesday, you will do your homework, have dinner and take a bath at daddy’s, then come home to mommy at 7:30pm”. Children crave routine and this will help give them ownership and responsibility, as well.

I even created a calendar for my son so he understood when he was with daddy and when he was with mommy. I made him a part of the process and now that he is 6, the routine has become second nature.

11. Start new traditions.

When my ex left, I had the hardest time identifying myself and my son as a family unit. What were we without a daddy? How could we be a family if it was just the two of us? How could we enjoy holidays or travel on vacation without my ex? One of the first things I did just a few weeks after he left was celebrate my son’s half birthday. It seemed silly–who acknowledges a half birthday? But I got some balloons, baked a small cake, bought a little gift and started our own tradition.

That small step inspired me to plan a summer trip with friends and their children–just a car ride at first. A few months later, my son and I were flying cross-country to visit friends in Arizona. I appreciate and relish our special time now, just the two of us.

12. Plan to do something special for yourself when it’s all over.

Whether it’s a stay-cation, a massage or a week away, recharging your batteries is imperative. I treated myself to five nights in the Bahamas and it was the best thing I could have done. I had to give myself something to look forward to!

You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Learning how to meditate can help with anxiety and don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Getting divorced was by far the most life-altering experience I have ever had (and that includes losing a parent to cancer when I was 24). Look into books like Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant and learn from spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra. All have a wonderful presence online and their videos and recordings are very helpful during times of chaos and stress.

Did these divorce tips and strategies help you? Tell us in the comments and/or share your own advice below–because we are always stronger together!